Should Not Be Jewish

Al Goldstein. “Porn king” publisher of Screw magazine. Here’s a gem: “[Deep Throat] seems a miracle. … I was never so moved by any theatrical performance since stuttering through my own bar mitzvah.”

Jake Gyllenhaal. For dating ultra-shiksas Reese Witherspoon and Taylor Swift. Why couldn’t you make it work with Natalie Portman?? Oh, Jake, we can’t stay made at you. Drop me a gmail, I know some nice Jewish girls who would love to meet you.

Paul Wolfowitz. By popular request! The Jewish neocon league did not help the “Jews/Israel are running the gov’t” thing. Also, remember the IMF scandal—funneling World Bank funds to his girlfriend? There’s that too.

Coach from Survivor. Hey, dragon-douche. Cover up your Hebrew tattoos—people will think you’re Jewish!

Dr. Laura Schlessinger. No, you’re not allowed to use the n-word. No, we’re not going to explain why. (Hint: it has nothing to do with your First Amendment rights.)